An Open Letter to My Favorite Spartan

Dear Kavaun,

Spartan Stadium magic

You are only seven years old so my advice leading up to the kick-off of our biggest Spartan football game together is simple: have fun cheering on our team.

Tonight we get to cheer our Spartans in a battle with the Alabama Crimson Tide and the winner gets to play for a National Championship. Even with my immense pride for MSU, I could have only imagined this when I was closer to your age than my own.

Buddy, there are two things I know better than anything  - you and the thrill of being a devoted fan. You have helped me get a grip on what these games mean as an adult and I want to begin shaping what they will mean for you. I have more than thirty years of fan experience that I hope can help you in your long journey as a fan. 

So, listen up.

 

Do your best to enjoy being a fan

I have to take responsibility for the sports fan DNA you inherited. You wear your enthusiasm on your sleeve. You get excited during the announcement of the starting line-ups and you hum the fight song while you play outside. This is the upside to the passion we both share for our Spartans. Together, we can also overcome some of the inherent challenges you face as a fan due to your genetic composition. My boy, you feel each possession of the game just like I did. You wonder why we punt on 4th-and-1 and sacks hurt you more than they should. You yell at the TV and you demand explanations from officials. I still recall when you questioned Coach Izzo during the B1G Championship last year. I get it. You were hurting. With time and experience, you can get a handle on these emotions just as I have.

Being a fan should be more fun than stress.

I am here to help you navigate so please hear me out and read this again in a few years. The lessons will remain long after the confetti is swept up and Coach Dantonio's press conference ends.

Being a fan of a winning team can be intoxicating, but the best fans love their team more than they love winning. Believe me, I know. Love for a team is precisely why it hurts so much to lose. Love for a team is also why we actually feel empathy for teams that lose in the toughest circumstances - even our rivals. Sports Fan Empathy is a feeling that develops at different rates for fans and I am proud that you seem to have achieved this much quicker than your old man. Hang on to your sincere appreciation of the tangled mess that is broken fan heart. It eventually gets all of us and we mustn't rub salt in the open wounds when our team causes it. 

Our tickets to a game

Son, enjoy being a Spartan fan no matter the results of tonight's game.

Dance with each touchdown.

Wince on each sack.

And feel your heart beat through your size 7 Spartan jersey on each field goal attempt.

Most of all, somewhere in the back of your mind remember there will be many more plays to feel in your lifetime. Turn yourself over to this game and allow yourself to feel this one. When it's over, start the process all over with the next game. 

At your age it can be tough to find that line between how much you love your team and how much you love winning. Unlike my childhood cheering the Spartans, you have not had much practice trying to figure out which you love more - cheering a winner or cheering your Spartans. In your seven years, those two ideas have been the same thing.

It's okay to be happy about that fact, but you must remember what I told you about the 1991 season and how our Spartans managed only three wins. I still love that team and to this day, I can tell you who started and how we lost. That '91 season was when I decided to wear MSU clothes to school on the Monday after they lost so everyone could see my support. That long season is why I still put on my green and white when we lose. I want you to be the same way as a fan - love our team despite the tough losses and droughts. Hang on to hope. Be proud. Do not let losing numb the enthusiasm you inherited. Some fans have to actually work at getting worked up, but God gave us the gift. Embrace it.  Use your enthusiasm and pride for good, not evil.

When it hurts, it's okay to cry

Crying after a Tiger loss.

I can't even count on my hands the amount of times I have been moved to tears as a passionate fan.

With that intense devotion and love for a team, it is critical that you not let it harden your overall enjoyment. Crying is okay. Don't suppress it because those feelings will emerge one way or another. Unfortunately, I have seen many fans fall prey to losing as the nasty tentacles of cynicism and negativity choked out the fresh optimism of each new season. Crying beats cynicism every time.

Kavaun, when I was a young Spartan I turned my broken fan heart toward learning about our history as Spartans. Remember how I told you those varmints from Ann Arbor tried to keep us out of the Big Ten? That happened long before "Little Brother" and the "Flint Stones". Remember when we watched the Big Ten Classic about the 1966 Game of the Century? This is as much a part of who we are as the struggles that led to Coach D taking over Spartan Football. Embracing our history - all of it -  makes us stronger fans who do not fear reaching higher.

Son, there are MSU fans among us that needed all of the last decade to rid themselves of doubt and insecurity. Some Spartan fans are still in the final stages of overcoming their fear of losing on a big play. Trust me Kavaun, I never chose that path and it was the best fan choice I made when I was impressionable. I learned how to eventually lose as a fan with experience and I am afraid that due to Spartan championships and several clutch wins you will eventually have to learn these lessons in some other way later on.

When it happens, be strong. Please don't take as long as I took to learn how to lose with grace. Nobody likes an excuse-making, obnoxious sore loser. Your developmental years (now) have been shaped by winning and expecting to win. Remember the creed of Spartans much older than you who wandered thirsty through the desert of sustained program mediocrity over decades - you should never take cheering winners for granted. Exercise your fan-hood with class. I will be here to help you recognize the lessons and grow from them son. (Truthfully, you will be given a free pass until about age 16, then other sports fans will expect more of you)

Cheer, don't gloat.
Cry, don't blame.
Most of all, feel. 

With this Spartan Football Program, you will have to save most of your tears for celebrating though - a lesson we learned together watching last year's Cotton Bowl comeback. Remember how mad you were before our come-from-behind dramatic victory? You begged me to turn the TV off. I am so glad we kept watching in between wiping your nose and drying our tears. Hugging and dancing in our living room on that cold January day is one of my favorite memories with you. We learned that lesson about keeping hope again on October 17, 2015 when our Spartan Rangers answered their mission in Ann Arbor for a thrilling victory. You will see in your lifetime as a fan, that the game is not over until the clock hits zeroes son. Fans young and old need to be reminded of that lesson.

Lorenzo White, Spartan Champion

All in, with a vim

In order to really enjoy this fan thing, get on the roller coaster. Go all in 100%, with a vim just as our fight song implores us (vim means to do so with remarkable energy and enthusiasm). The people who do not get on this roller-coaster fail to feel the wins or losses the same way we do. With each replay we re-enact on our living room floor we benefit from going all in. Sure, people will refer to those bored fans as, "sane" or having their "priorities in order", but the fans who value fan safety over emotional investment will never understand our dance.

And our dance is special.

Son, embrace all that feeling and appreciate other fans. Be vulnerable and share the fun and nervousness with others. High-fiving a co-worker you don't even like much and hugging complete strangers just because you both wear green shirts - that's the fan experience. Always run full speed into the open arms of Spartans celebrating an interception and scream at the top of your lungs for a key third down stop. This is living.

And when it doesn't work out, don't turn inward - lean on your fellow fan for support and to vent. Surround yourself with like-minded fans and take joy in friendly banter with rival fans. Some of those fans will be just like you - enthusiastic and proud. Respect that fact. It should remain fun most of the time, if not all the time. Again, these lessons took root for me more recently and I want to save you the pain.  

Win with grace. Lose with class. Remain mindful that while we cheer with all our heart, the players and coaches control the results of the game. We will have to talk about referees soon because at seven years old, you have given them way too much "influence" in your thinking. Our role is to cheer loyally, try not to take it too seriously and above all, cherish loving something that has us so invested and excited.

Son, enjoy the ride and be grateful you have a team to love. Some fan insecurity can be fun I suppose, but it is when you eventually let go of what "other fans have" and embrace how and why you love YOUR team that marks reaching the mountaintop. Loving your team even when you wonder if they love you back makes this a ride worth taking over and over again.

Unlike me, a fan who reached adulthood before I could truly shed the last of my fan insecurity, you only know Michigan State championships. Like you son, I love being a fan of a winner. As you grow older though, I hope your perspective as a fan of Izzo and Dantonio-led programs will encompass more than W's in big games. When I was a boy, my fandom survival depended on my ability to adapt with a devotion that grew stronger with losses than wins. You have witnessed twice as many big-time MSU victories in your life than I did in in the twenty years before your mom married me. You are too young to appreciate it all now, but these are special times. I will constantly remind you of this fact because I know that special times are to be appreciated in the moment.

All of this makes you fortunate, and that good fortune is the subject of my final and most important piece of advice Kavaun. Stay with me bud because the next part may require a second and third read when you get to be closer to my age.

You make being a Spartan more meaningful

Together we have attended a half-dozen games and they always end with us celebrating and singing

Victory for MSU together. We have swayed together to the beautiful MSU Shadows in Spartan Stadium, danced for the stadium jumbo-tron and we even visited my freshman dorm room at 6 East Wilson Hall (I know, you are still confused about that one). 

Kavaun on the Spartan Stadium scoreboard at his first game.

We have watched countless other victories on TV that paved the way for three Big Ten Football championships and three NCAA Final Fours in your lifetime alone.

These are remarkable accomplishments for our Spartans and what you need to understand is that my enjoyment of these fan experiences are more meaningful because we are in it together.

When I showed up to campus for my first semester at MSU more than twenty years ago I could not have imagined enjoying anything more fulfilling as a fan than cheering championship programs built on integrity, great leadership and dramatic victories on the national stage.

Now, I am reminded that sharing all of this with my favorite fan is bigger than the game itself. While we both enjoy cheering a winner, I no longer need a winner to make my fan experience complete. 

I have you for that.

Love, 

Your Spartan Baba

Our MSU - Oregon game day in 2014. Your mom and Roya were Ducks and on that day, the Ducks got us. We still cheer for the Ducks when they don't play MSU. Even though your mom works at UM, I must admit that if she was a UM fan there might be strain in our marriage. A part of you must always stay Green buddy!

I love being a Spartan and a lot of that is because of my MSU college experience with my friends pictured here. This crew from the 6 East Wilson dorm helped me find balance as a Spartan. To that point, it was ALL ABOUT SPORTS and MSU tradition and history.  Now, sports is the frosting on the cake and the relationships I have from MSU and my experience on the Banks of the Red Cedar make it valuable. Together, our Spartan Family grew and this is a big part of the fan story for me in 2015. Many of the people in this picture are at the Cotton Bowl and I could not be more happy for them.

Seven !

No way you can be seven already. I have loved most of it and without a doubt I now see myself, in part, through your eyes. Imperfections and all, this ride has been the most meaningful experience in my life. Dad is who I am. Thank you.

As I sit downstairs typing this note, your sister is singing Happy Birthday Kavaun in her bed. We are all so happy to have you in our lives. May you always know this in tough times and great times my little buddy. The other stuff matters, but feeling loved and supported is most important. My birthday wish for you is that you you always feel it and know it and that you continue to bring joy to others.

Love

Sadness

How do you comfort your six year old after a death when you struggle to find comfort yourself?

I am so incredibly sad and heart broken and somehow I hope my words on this screen will help me cope. I try my hardest not to search for answers to the questions I do not know how to ask.

If my heart aches this much then what about the other people? A son, a father, a husband, a friend, a colleague. All of it.

I have never felt an emptiness and heartache like this and it brings back memories from losing my brothers best friend in high school. I was only 16 then and it hurt differently. I am a father and husband now and this pain is ripping through me in ways that I cannot grasp right now. Sometimes I cry and can't stop. Other times, my mind can go somewhere else. I know it is healthy

I feel like I am not even present sometimes and that other times presence washes over me and brings more sadness. No real peace. Just sadness. My own sadness. Raw. Felt for the loss. Not even anger, but the most immense sadness I have ever felt.

Being a father and being closer to 40 than 20 shapes my feelings differently and I feel that I have so much unfinished in my own life as a dad and husband.

Right now I am just sad. There are no words and no matter how long I keep typing this sadness will take some time to heal. His family will remain in my heart and in my thoughts. I selfishly hope that our boys become great friends and I can see new hope unfold. If I cannot witness it, I hope there are ways I can know and share in some happiness down the road.

I will try my best to be my best and take the influence you had in our short time and pass it on the way you would.

Summer free verse

cold morning
baseball in pjs
coloring inside the lines
balloons unpopped
ordinary friday
home run

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Sitting on the couch, looking around and listening to Kavaun playing ball in the backyard while Roya colored at the table. 

Present

Today before Roya June laid down for her afternoon nap, I asked her what love looks like.

She looked in my direction with a slight smile, reached her arms out and moved in for a deep breath hug around my neck.

When she let go, she said, "That's what love looks like."

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Last night at Music in the Park I watched Kavaun and Roya play duck duck goose with a small group of boys and girls. The way kids naturally gravitiate toward one another and make up their own rules is refreshing. Roya adapted and played nice while all of the children seemed to respect the individual interpretations of their game. Some children opted in and out of their unique variation of Duck Duck Goose and simultaneously some bursts of tag broke out with Kavaun running in and out of families in the crowd hiding and seeking.

Ice cream after was the perfect cap on our family night.

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Perfect Saturdays

Mickey Mouse pancakes on the griddle.
Mama fast asleep.
Mismatched PJs and coloring books.
A perfect morning.

Play ball

As my boy steps to the crooked plate and looks out over the menacing deck in left field, he twirls the bat around and adjusts his imaginary batting gloves. He looks the part of a mini-Big Leaguer and he even mimics the intense expression of a hitter in the zone.

The pitch, just a bit low according to the batter/umpire. "That slider just missed," with a little extra emphasis on just. He needs time to get his sign and take a few more practice cuts before stepping in to face my fastball.

He plays so much there is a slightly beaten down path to first base in our backyard. The four dirt patches surrounding each base bring me great joy. Never thought dirt could be such a happy sight, especially in my well manicured yard.

Every dad should be so lucky to have worn out grass resembling a perfectly imperfect baseball diamond in the yard. Paired with a couple dirt spots under the swings these are the markings of a summer well spent.

Kavaun's field is kind of a mix between Fenway Park and the old Tiger Stadium. Like Fenway, play is tight along the foul lines and the left field porch homerun is an effortless stroke with even the slightest breeze. Like Tiger Stadium with the flag pole in centerfield, our backyard park includes a swing set in play with trees hanging over a right field homerun.

Daily, his games are played out. Sometimes with friends and neighbors. Sometimes alone. Always for fun. Play by play announcing includes calls recognizing our favorite Tigers like Iglesias, Kinsler and Cabrera and some made-up names that resemble stars - like "Machado" for Mustakous or any number of other visiting team player names that have not been ingrained in his memory like our Tigers.

I will pitch and once in a while hit, but I will not be the ump too often. I play by his rules and try to enjoy is version of the games. His version typically involves him winning, swiping extra bases and going to the replay booth to have his calls confirmed.

Baseball has a special way of connecting generations and this summer has brought me closer to my son. I would like to think that if it weren't baseball it would surely be something else to bring us together, but baseball is so natural and easy for me and he has a pure love for the game at this age. We are speaking the same language and loving the same team. We ride the roller-coaster that is a 162-game season and we talk about things like sacrifice bunts, getting out of jams and not arguing balls and strikes. Anguishing losses make him cry and thrilling victories end in our fives and hugs.

This is true love.

We have attended a couple minor league games and a few Tigers games and his observation of the actual game leads to a lot of questions and also a lot of silent time shared in the moment. I just watch him enjoy something I enjoy. He is the only 6 year old that I have to talk into getting treats or going to the Team Store because he does not want to miss the action. Cracks me up.

I relive my childhood regularly and the innocence of lost time in the summer keeps me young.



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